22 February 2009

Here kitty, kitty...

My friend has a cat. And I don't like her cat, but it's not because her cat has two different color eyes, it's just that I don't like cats. At all. Cats slink. They slink around your ankles and through your bushes. They can't be trusted. You never know. They fool you into letting them curl up on your lap, but deep down, behind their creepy eyes, they're plotting something. I know it. I can feel it. And cats know I know. They save penetrating stares just for me. I'm suspicious of them; they're suspicious of me. They have a right to be suspicious, I know they're up to something, and I'm not afraid to expose them.

"Hey, your cat's up to something."

"Oh, stop Laura. She's nice. Come 'ere kitty." And that manipulative little cat, came slowly towards my friend, arching her back and sliding her tail around my friend's ankles. The cat looked with hostility right at me while she faked an affectionate purr.

"Did you see that?! See! I told you."

"See what?"

"Your cat totally just looked at me. And she's guilty. I saw it in her eyes."

But my friend has been brain-washed. By the cat. She thought I was crazy, and she still does.

Well friend... I leave you with this excerpt from a piece by essayist Annie Dilliard. I read it in a class and all of my speculations have been confirmed. Your cat is totally up to something. Watch out.

"I used to have a cat, an old fighting tom, who would jump through the open window by my bed in the middle of the night and land on my chest. I'd half-awaken. He'd stick his skull under my nose and purr, stinking of urine and blood. Some nights he kneaded my bare chest with his front paws, powerfully, arching his back, as if sharpening his claws, or pummeling a mother for milk. And some mornings I'd wake in daylight to find my body covered with paw prints in blood; I looked as though I'd been painted with roses."

You see, I'm not crazy. I have reason to hate your cat.


Chels said...

Hi, you don't know me, I found your blog while blog-hopping. I just wanted to say that I love reading this and I totally agree with you about cats. They look at me like they're trying to find my weakness so they can pounce. Totally creepy.

camille said...

i also hate cats.
i am allergic to them.
and chelsie (comment from above) is one of my good friends.
i bet she found your blog through mine.

Laura said...

Chelsie and Camille. Let's be friends. Cats = no good. Friends should have common interests, and it looks like we do.

And Camille-- thanks for directing Chelsie to my blog. Blog connections are oh so fun. I've recommended many people to yours.

Chels said...

Hey I'm allergic to cats too. Let's be friends.

Laura said...

I'm not allergic to cats. Can I still be your friend?

Rachel said...

Cats are mating outside my bedroom window. EVERY NIGHT. They keep me awake. I too, hate cats. Let's be friends too?