My Uncle Used to Love Me But She Died-- Roger Miller

He got excited, "If I had a camouflage tie, I'd be the coolest guy. Everyone would want to be me."

My sister and I stared at him emotionless. His comment deserved no recognition.

*

I pulled the paint brush out of the water and wiped it on a paper towel. The brush left red streaks on the white. I did it again. And again. Always red streaks. That's when I realized the water was red.

*

"I stubbed my toe," my youngest brother said. He had a cloth wristband wrapped around the injury to protect the appendage from further damage.

Trying to one-up the youngest, the other brother said, "I have a splinter in my hand."

"I glued my fingers together with super glue." That's what I said.

*

You know you're a perfectionist when you clean the inside walls of your sink disposal. For your information, I have never done such a thing.

*

When the dentist cleans my teeth tomorrow, I'm going to be really nice and open my mouth really wide. I won't bite his fingers. Dentists need love and I love the dentist.

*

The chipped paint on my big toenail resembles Idaho.

*

I kind of miss her. She left and took her babies with her. The raccoon momma who lived in my fireplace for two months is gone. No more strange mating noises in the middle of the night. The silence is ominous.

*

Confession: Once, I was involved in two car wrecks in one night. The night was two and a half years ago. I can laugh about it now.

*

My drawings of still-life teapots look like ferocious hyenas with egg yolk dripping down their snouts. Do you know what kind of talent that takes?

*

When I go flying in airplanes, which I do sometimes, I want to jump out. With a parachute.

*

My favorite pajama pants are plaid and good-quality flannel. I might have gotten them for Christmas three years ago. Each wash has made them softer.

*

"Eat these," I commanded as I threw a bag of sour patch watermelons onto the table. "Now."

They started eating them immediately and suddenly I was sad that I surround myself with obedient people. I kind of wanted those sour watermelons.

*

I stared at the sketchbooks. A black big one, a black little one, a brown big one, a brown little one. An organic one with pure recycled paper and a circle of arrows commanding its prospective owner to be a good citizen.

*

I have it timed perfectly. His hand touches my knee and-- one-mississippi, two-mississippi, WA-BAM-- good feelings from the arches of my feet, through my twittery stomach and my racing fist-sized organ, to the goosebumps on the top of my head. Every. Single. Time.

*

Them: I'll bet you're excited.

Me: I can hardly wait.

Them: It sounds like a dream.

Me: It will be a dream. An impractical dream where I pay all my money to lie on the beach reading Omeros and painting the blue ocean. But a good dream nonetheless.

Them: When do you leave?

Me: Friday

*

If you only pay one penny for a book, I'll bet the book smells really wonderful. Buy one-cent books here. Your nose will be happy for the rest of its life.