24 February 2010

Processing the Ease of a Home Run, the Joy in a Roller Coaster, and the Decision I Don't Remember Making

How in the world did this happen? This is so strange. It's hitting me right now. That happens sometimes. It hits me and I want to throw this ring across the room. Not because I don't want the ring. I DO ACTUALLY WANT IT (badly enough to put it in caps). But I want to throw the ring because I want to look at it with distance between, just like I've looked at it all my life.

Disclaimer: I am in love. And I'm in love with the right person and I'm going to marry him in the right place.

But that's just it. THAT'S THE CRAZY PART! I'm going to MARRY him. I'm not an adult. I'm not smart enough to have made that decision, but I made it. I said yes and he put a ring on my left hand. I'm definitely not smart enough for that. In fact, maybe I'm just naive enough to have made the decision without understanding its weight.

I decided never be single again. To be completely and 100% taken to the highest degree of takenness. I decided to be with the same person forever and ever and ever. That's HUGE. But I don't fully grasp the weight in making that decision, the weight in having made that decision.

I didn't see the pitcher's hand signals to the catcher. I didn't notice the wind-up or even the pitch. I just stood unprepared at home plate and happened to swing because it was a perfect pitch-- how could I not swing? It was just so easy. And I hit a home run without even getting ready to play the game.

I'm not prepared to make the "most important decision of my life." But the decision is made. Decision made. But, I don't even notice I made it. THAT'S HOW NATURAL IT WAS. I made THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION. That's all. I just made it and I didn't even realize it. And it was easy. Easy-cheezy.

I made it so naturally because he's THAT GREAT.

I spent my whole life looking toward this decision. I watched Disney princess movies. I watched chick flicks and imagined my perfect guy (who actually wouldn't be perfect because perfect is so entirely imperfect). I imagined what he'd be like, what we'd be and do together, where we'd live. I listened to couples talk about how they met, their story, and the proposal that was the pinnacle moment of their life.

It's as if there is a roller coaster. A roller coaster that everyone talks about and can't wait to go on. It's wild, exciting, thrilling, transcendent, and completely overwhelming-- and you get to ride it one time. That's it.

It's as if I waited in line for the ride, buckled in for the ride, went on the ride (loops and all), and finished the ride while being completely distracted and wrapped up in a natural, pleasant conversation. SO pleasant, and SO natural that I didn't even notice that we got in line for the ride and rode the ride. And then long after I'd gotten off the roller coaster, it's as if I noticed the ride and said, "Hey, let's go on that ride, that looks incredible." But someone had to tell me-- you actually ALREADY WENT ON THE RIDE. Tough luck, sorry you missed it, but it was great.

I found him, fell in love with him, decided to marry him. And that's that. The most important rite of passage just happened without me even processing it. It just happened. I decided to marry him. The ring says so. And I'm sad that the decision is all over. The build-up, the thrill of the unknown is over. It's known now. And I didn't feel the full depth of the discovery until it was long gone.

I think it's a good thing the decision is made. It's the right thing and I wouldn't choose differently if I had been fully aware. Because, truth is, I'm in love with the person I'm going to marry.

Actually, I know this is a good thing.


camille said...

this is pretty much the story of my life.

Ann said...

This is the first time I have read your blog, and I am not even sure how I ended up in it.

You mentioned you are not an adult. If it makes you feel any better no matter how old I get I still feel too young for really important home run decisions. I have a favorite quote by Graham Greene,

"There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in." and another quote to help you stay feeling young is by Thomas Kinkade,

"On the basis of experience I wholeheartedly offer this prescription for remaining a child at heart: HAVE CHILDREN....

I love the blog, and I can't believe I haven't ever read it before. You are an amazing writer.