04 March 2009

"Toe cleavage is considered to be fashionable by stylists such as Susan Conterno, columnist for FAMOUS magazine."

Let me tell you about my ugly feet.

My second toe is taller than my fat toe. A guy once told me that my one taller-than-normal toe would disqualify me from ever dating him. Nice guy, eh? I told him that I wouldn't date him either-- for a lot more reasons than his toes. Reason one being that he's married.

The middle toe on my left foot has a corn just above the joint. Be grossed out if you want. And then stop reading, because my feet get worse than a minor corn on my toe.

I have unidentified bones growing out of both of my ankles. Occasionally, the bone growths are painful. I have a few pairs of shoes in my closet that rub them wrong. I once learned that if I don't wear those shoes, the bone things don't hurt as often. The podiatrist said that if my bone growths get worse, I will have to get them removed. And then I'd have to spend 12 weeks in a wheelchair recovering. He said that post-surgery, he can't guarantee that I'd ever walk the same again. Twelve weeks in a wheelchair is much worse than having bones growing out of your ankles. And walking funny for the rest of my life? Well, that'd just be funny. Actually, no, it wouldn't. It would not be funny at all.

My toes are always painted red. Always. And they're always chipped. Always. I'm thinking it's really stupid to paint my toe nails red. They paint stop signs red for a reason: so people notice.

Right now I have blisters on both of my heels from new shoes. And the soles of my feet are black from dancing on the dusty floor of my modern dance class. I have a callus on the outside corner of my right foot, just below my baby toe.

My arches are insanely high. My barefoot footprints are just a heel mark and a ball with five toes coming out of the top; there is no connector section. My footprints look like animal tracks-- not sure what kind of animal, but that just makes it odder.

But, don't feel bad for me. In fact, you should actually be jealous of my feet. There is a secret to beautiful feet. And I have the secret. It's toe cleavage. And get this, I have amazing toe cleavage. Toe cleavage like you've never seen before. A guy I dated once told me that people pay plastic surgeons thousands of dollars for toe cleavage. This was right before he asked me how much I paid for mine.

Nothing. I paid nothing. Get this Mr. Guy-I-Once-Dated, my toe cleavage is natural.

My feet are just beautiful like that.

6 comments:

Rebecca said...

Laura I absolutely love this blog, I have caught up on all your recent blogs and think they are fantastic! It makes me enjoy Thursday even more. You have a way with words and the ability to make me laugh. I'm in the library reading this and yes I laughed out loud and you know my boisterous laugh in the 1st Floor library where no one talks yeah...I got some of those crazy looks but it was worth it. I look forward to reading this every week!

Rebecca said...

So Laura, I happen to not be a fan of feet. Any feet. It's kind of odd, because I normally don't have specific things that bother me like that. But feet are definitely one of them. And normally your blog doesn't bother me at all, and in fact does quite the opposite. I guess at this point I should admit that this post didn't bother me either, since I only had imaginary feet in my head, and not real ones. It's the real ones that get to me. Then I went to come comment on your blog for the first time, and behold I see that someone using my name has already said something! That this post may forever remain anonymous due to the surplus of Rebecca-friends you have bothers me much more than reading about feet. Good luck figuring out who wrote what.

JJ said...

love it Laura. fun writing. do i have toe cleavage too? :)

Kenzie K. said...

Laura - next time I see you I'm going to have to pay attention to your toe cleavage! I've heard that toe cleavage is "considered fashionable" too . . . not that I've really been noticing it on others.

Laura said...

McKenzie-- I'll bet you have toe cleavage. Frankly, I don't think there is anyone that doesn't...

Laura said...

That means you too JJ...